Did any of it ever really matter? she wondered as she looked out at the passing strangers beyond the glass of her window. She tried to pretend that she were one of them. Perhaps she was really an old woman on the way to the grocery store. Perhaps she was the mother of a wild seven year old, scolding him for his crazed display at that specific moment. Or perhaps she was always Anna. Who else? For she did not feel old, or like an embarrassed mother. What she felt, was broken.
Anna sighed and glanced out the window once more, gazing wearily at the fallen leaves of autumn. If only things had been as they were before. They never would be though, and she knew it well. If she knew anything, it was that things had changed now. Things always do.
A gentle sound of her mothers radio played through the wooden door of her room, and she smiled at it. Her mother hated punk music, and she was playing it at an ubseen volume to try and make Anna feel better. Her mother might have thought this display of kindness would plant the seed of happiness in Anna's heart, and perhaps draw her out of her room. It was a futile attempt, but sweet, none the less.
Anna again tried her pretending game, this time, imagining she was actually a beautiful girl in a floral dress that was passing her window just then. The girl had a certain kind of look about her that Anna knew all too well. She had the look of a girl in love.
Dismissing the game quickly, she turned away from the window. Her face carried a pained expression of loss and sorrow. If only she could be someone else! If only she could feel wha that girl was feeling again. It was as if sh would always be alone now. She had her shot at rue love. She could not have another. What she had felt while in love was...perfect. Like there was nothing on earth except light, and it was the light of her love! How bright it once was! how gleaming and golden life was to her then. Nevermore.
Wind thrust itself against her window violently, as if trying to enter through the shut portal. It was a symbol of her actions over the past few days. She had tried so hard to understand why it was Darren did not love her anymore. She begged with him, and pleaded, but he would not tell her. Was it another girl? she had asked, but recieved no responce in return. Had she done something? Silence. He had mearly told her that he did not love her anymore, and that she should go. That's all. After she had given him everything withing her. Everything.
She had been dismissed like a silly child. One too uninteresting to play with, and too bothersome to be around. He had said goodbye to the girl he swore love to. Just like that. A snap of the fingers was all it took. What had she been to him but a plaything? A toy to be disposed of at any time he so chose? Who was this man?
Retreating back to her warm chair next to the window, she sat listening to the angry winds cry. It was the sound of her heart breaking. It was the sound of her futile cries for a second chance. The locked window would not budge against it. Nothing could budge against that powerful glass except...and then she realized. Many things could break it down. Glass would shatter if heated to the right temperature. It would break if many men pushed against it. It would fall apart if something heavy enough pushed through. But this meant nothing. Darren was not made of glass. He was made of stone. And he had crushed her already. Anna could do nothing but let go.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
You put "withing her" instead of "within her," I assume. Small thing, I really liked it. My friend went through a similar situation and you really hit the nail on the head with the emotions that came with it. Great job
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You should space it out (between each paragraph) so it's easier to read. Else than that, this has a good start and is well written.
-- Edit --
Your writing entry is in past tense so "do" should be "did."
Everything still is great!
There are entirely too many words in this sentece so it feels like it just goes on and on without a break. (That was an example) .
Try replacing two or three words with one, which will not only make it cleaner and simpler, but make it sound more articulate.
Try: she wondered, looking out the window at passing strangers.
See, everything is still there, it's the unimportant things that got left out.
Were=was, in this case.
Hopefully no explaination needed.
Capitalize the beginning of the sentence.
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Everybody else pretty much covered everything. In the future, space things out when you post them, it makes it a lot easier to see, and in the end, more people will read it.
I think your character was sweet, and I really liked the mom character, and the game she played was a really good idea, yet...while reading through this I was bored. I kept thinking, It feels like I've read this before. Felt this before.
While connecting with your readers is a good thing, it just backfires if you're telling a been there, done that- story.
Suggestions: Everybody has read a story of heartbreak, yet most have something special about them. Falling out of love, while painfull and effective, is among the most cliche. Maybe to make this more origional, instead of heartbreak she feels it should be some other strong emotion. Anger, frustration, guilt. Something different to blow the readers mind away. Have her scream at the wall, the window, the people on the street.
Overall, I think your writing is good, you just need to work on making the content a bit more your own.
Keep up the good work,
-JC
Hey. I see that this was posted a LONG time ago, but I'm going to comment like I always would. I don't have much to say:
This was very well-written. It's a solid beginning. A bit short, but it works in this case. The only thing I would do is space, space, space. For this site it's a biggie.
Keep writing.
Wow, that was really good and well done. There wasn't much I would've changed at all. Good job!!!!!!! I would give you a star, but uh, don't know how to with the new format, I'll see if I can find it.
Ah this was fantastic,Well done!
Ilike the way you have your character behind glass... as if everything she wants is on the otherside but untouchable. Great stuff
There comes a point when so many people have critted a piece that there really is nothing left to say. Just what everyone else said, especially about the spaces in between paragraphs. Besides a few minor spelling errors and gramattical errors (only one not mentioned was mother's radio (not mothers)) the piece was fantastic! You had a really heartfelt and in depth feeling to it. You really did a nice job on this one! Keep wriitng!
-Wiggy
That was really good, but spaces would make it easier for the eyes as the others have said. Keep up the good work!
Dani
This was really great. I liked it a lot. There are only a few things I will suggest. One being, separate the paragraphs for a lot of people- including me- it is difficult to read words all bunched up on the screen like it is so at the time of this post. I can read it in books, but for some reason just not on the computer! Maybe I I’m too used to reading my own work on the computer.
First off about the music and the way you described it. “A gentle sound of her mothers radio played through the wooden door of her room, and she smiled at it. Her mother hated punk music, and she was playing it at an ubseen volume to try and make Anna feel better.” It is contradictory. It’s gentle then obscene.
The only other thing I have to say about is: when you’re talking about Anna looking out of the window you go off and describe something else then you repeat yourself and say “she looked out the window again”. Or something very close to that. You don’t need to repeat yourself. You can just start straight off from, “she gazed at the leaves”.
A job well done! -NL
I think this is a really good piece of writing and I really like the style you use. Only a few things I did notice, which are all easily changable but feel free to ignore me as I'm quite new to this:
It being so close together makes it hard to read so if you put spaces between the paragraphs it would help, also a few typos made it quite hard to read.
I think you should look at your first paragraph because the first time I read it it was quite hard to understand- I wasn't sure if she was looking through a shop window or she was on the street or somewhere else, it only became apparent that she was in her bedrom later on.
It also took me a moment to think about who 'Anna' was and how old she was. At first I thought she was an older woman as you wrote about pretending to have a child but later on it becomes slightly clearer about her age.
But other than that its a really good piece.[/quote]
This is a nicely done piece. I just have a couple of things.
First of all it would be much easier to read if you put a blank line in between paragraphs when you type it in. It wouldn't be so imposing.
I would say "The gentle sound...." It is more specific. "A gentle sound" sounds like a random sound coming from her mothers radio.
I wasn't clear at first if her mother was playing punk music or something else. Maybe saying something like "Her mother hated punk music, yet she was playing it at an..."
Do you mean "obscene" instead of "ubseen"?
Also if it is playing at an obscene volume, it would probably not be a gentle sound. So the paragraph might start, "The sound of her mothers radio..."
It was very good, wonderful description. There were just a few small mistakes, typo's probably.
I don't think i need to point them out. Other than that i couldn't find any faults (says the worst speller and grammatical person around
it was really good!! It almost made me cry!! keep up the good work!!